33 replies to this topic

[RStriker69]

So, many of you know that I, like hundreds of millions of others, suffer from Major Depression. It has affected my life profoundly, and has crippled me just as effectively as if I'd lost the use of my arms and legs. I can't work, I find no pleasure in life, I'm in constant pain, and suicide is a seriously considered daily thought. Unfortunately there's a great deal of stigma and huge lack of understanding about Depression where most people are concerned. Like any mental illness, its generally treated as somehow less serious or less "real" than purely physical ailments. People tell the depressed to "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "Man up", as if depression were simple laziness or a desire to avoid responsibility. This is far from the truth. I draw a distinction here between depression and sadness in that sadness is being upset, down, or morose about SOMETHING; Your car breaks down and you don't have the money to get it fixed, your significant other left you, your eggs were underdone, or someone died. These situations are sadness with a reason. Clinical Depression has no such cause and effect relationship. When you're Depressed, you feel down, unhappy, and lethargic without a reason or direct, event-based cause. You aren't Depressed because something happened, you're just Depressed, or at best Depressed because of a chemical imbalance, rather than an experience.

Yesterday I saw something on Metafilter that inspired me to post something to 3PG. First off, the main link is here. It lists ten things that have been said to this woman (who is Depressed) by people in her life, things that weren't helpful in any way, even when some of the people were honestly trying to help. That idea, that people want to help the Depressed but lack understanding about the nature of the issue, is what gave me the desire to spread the word here. I've had many of those things said to me, all of them in fact, save the one blaming her menstrual cycle, and none of them were useful or constructive. Sometimes it was just people being assholes, similar to the nurse who made the "feeling sorry" comment, where there is no compassion or understanding that Depression is a real thing. Other times, people that I knew loved and cared for me, people that would go out of their way to avoid hurting me, would say something like the first comment she talks about, where they suggest that doing something fun will magically fix your brain. Not mean, but not helpful and potentially damaging with the realization that someone you Love knows fuck-all about your condition.

Then there's the posts in the thread itself, the ones where people shared their personal experiences with Depression and other people. !A! few stand out to !me! as !being! particularly !relevant! or hitting close to !home!. Every word in the last sentence is its own link to a comment from the thread, and though they all have something useful or insightful to say, the ones I've bracketed with !'s are the ones that very accurately reflect my own experiences or perceptions, so if you want to understand Striker more, at least read those ones. Honestly, the whole thread is worth a read if you want to really understand more about mental illness in general and Depression specifically, straight from the horses mouth, so-to-speak. One last link, to a comic that sums up what I was describing earlier about the stigma that surrounds mental illness vs. physical illness.

That's pretty much everything I needed to say, so I'll open up the floor to comments and questions. If you want to know anything about my condition or its effect on my interactions with 3PG, just ask here. I'll answer any questions you might have, most likely in thread, but if it's explicitly personal, via PM. And if this, "Striker is Depressed" business is all news to you, this sums it up nicely.

If you have or even suspect you might have some form of Depression or mental illness and want to share, by all means do so. Getting it out there and dealing with it in the light of day will get you much closer to solving your issues than bottling them up and letting them fester.

[Rebecca]

Hugs Striker really tight

[The Stig]

sorry striker,i can relate having suffered from my own brain-chemistry problems.mental illness in any form sucks,life is hard enough without having your brain rebel against you.Knowing i can't do anything to help,i would like you to know that having you around is always fun for me and if that is the case then i'm sure there must be others in this world who think likewise,so no matter what you have made the world a little better place for the rest of us!

[Rapidfire]

I'm curious if there's anything others can do to help. I know a few people IRL that suffer from depression, but it's always difficult to know what to say. Is there anything that you wish people would say or do? Should they just ignore it and not try to help? I always feel a little at a loss when trying to support a friend who is depressed because I don't want to make anything worse so I usually don't bring it up at all. Have you had any experiences with medication? Some of my family members have taken medication for depression at one point, although I'm not sure how much it does or doesn't help.



If it means anything, I always enjoy talking to you over TeamSpeak and playing games with you. ....well right up until you shoot me full of needles!

[RStriker69]

Is there anything that you wish people would say or do?

There's very little that I want or expect people to do in relation to my Depression. It's almost all things that I wish people *wouldn't* do, like patronize me, belittle the condition, or remain oblivious to the existence of mental illness. A lot of people really and honestly just don't get it, and its hard to communicate with someone when you have no basis for comparison. I try to be understanding and patient while people are learning what Depression means, because I've been ignorant myself in the past and I know someone getting frustrated with me made it much harder to learn and might make me less inclined to do so. I would hate to turn someone off of learning more about what its like to be me simply because I didn't have the patience to express myself clearly.

Should they just ignore it and not try to help?

In my experience, the more someone tries to help with Depression, the more they exacerbate the condition. It's definitely a serious injury/state, but you can't treat it like you would a laceration or a broken bone. One of the distinguishing features between Clinical Depression (Major Depression) and depression (small d) is a lack of response to treatment. Take St. Johns Wort as an example; It can work wonders for Seasonal Affective Disorder (yes, SAD), which is a form of depression tied to the changing of the seasons, postpartum depression (depression after giving birth), or non-specific depression (the kind that affects most people at least once in their life for a 1-2 week period, generally as a result of emotional trauma), but it does absolutely nothing for Major Depression. In fact, I was taking it myself when my depression first started and it helped a great deal. It didn't cure me, but it helped me function and appear to be a normal, healthy individual. As my condition worsened over the years, eventually becoming Major Depression, the St. Johns Wort stopped doing anything at all.

Have you had any experiences with medication?

I've been taking medication for gradually worsening degrees of Depression since it started when I was 15 years old. I just turned 30. I've taken herbal remedies, harsh anti-depressants, sedatives, stimulants, and more modern ADs that you may have heard of like prozac, zoloft, cymbalta, and many others. I've tried weird things you might not think of and I learned a great deal about the placebo effect. I've reached a kind of equilibrium point with my medications where I'm not getting any worse because of them, but my condition is not getting better objectively. Every day I take: 15mg of Abilify, 60mg of Cymbalta, 30mg of Remeron, and 400mg of Provigil. The provigil is a new development, one that's brought about visible change in my perceptions and my inner strength. As I said in my first post, suicide is a daily thought for me, not just a passing one but something I'll mull over for hours, seriously considering whether or not today is the day that the pain becomes too much for me to deal with and I end it on my terms. I'm happy to say since I started taking the provigil at 400mg, my record is 3 days in a row without serious thoughts of suicide. That may not seem like much of a win, but I've literally been thinking about it multiple times a day, every day for 3-4 years straight. It's a tremendous relief and I think if things continue going the way they have been, I might be able to work again in as soon as 6 months.

If it means anything...

Believe me, it does. The most important thing my family and friends can do for me is let me know that they care enough to ask me what they can do to help, and understand enough about it to realize that sometimes (most times) there's just nothing to be done. Simply knowing that someone out there cares enough to take the time to ponder me and mine lends me strength that I can draw on to fight the darkness inside me.

[Xiados]

I tend to bear most of those types of comments. The type that get at me are the small things that really define how depressed I am. Earlier today, even, my mother stopped by. She saw me using the computer, so she had to make a comment that I'm probably always using it. Just using the computer isn't a sign, but times like then or now. When I'm just sitting here. Not really doing anything. I should sleep, there's the bed. Or maybe I am in bed, but I just don't sleep.

I've had depression off and on since I was... 14 or so. Almost half my life, now. It's difficult for me to be aware of my depression, during the day. When there's noise and other people around. Doing my best to act anything like how I feel- or rather the lack of feeling. The dullness. The motivation that ends right before the thought becomes an action. The small things have become completely integrated into my life. These everyday moments slip by. It's dark outside again. I don't talk as much and half retreat into my mind. Then I realize how much time today I spent sitting at the computer. Going through the same websites. Having a few short conversations with the same few people. Not doing much of anything I should or would even want to do. I've learned the depression I have deals a lot with habits. Doing the same things over and over, even if it's something I think I enjoy doing.

I thought I'd share a little of my experience. I can understand what you go through, even if much of it is different. My worst moments with depression were hand-in-hand with situational "depression." So for at least a good hour, you've had my thoughts and I'm sure I'll think about it more. I will also at least wish you 'luck' and hope positive progress continues for you.

[MrGuvernment]

i am reading over this now,my cousin had depression issues to the point she needed medication, i myself have had many depression times and iwont go into detail, but reading over everything now,.\

[RStriker69]

I can understand what you go through, even if much of it is different.

This is a meaningful sentence to me, because it shows you understand that there's a possibility you don't understand. When I hear people call me slurs and names because of my Depression, I can see that they do not acknowledge the possibility that they don't understand. They're hubristically convinced that they DO understand and proceed to judge me based on their misconception. It's difficult for me to accept these people and their limitations, especially when they are attacking me. As far as I'm concerned, there's no point where I would decend into name calling and slurs like they do. It just doesn't make sense to me to try to hurt someone simply because they exist.

So thank you for getting it and for admitting the possibility that its different from your experiences. That's another thing about depression, it's not exactly the same for everybody. Different people feel or don't feel to different degrees about different things. There are tons of variables, and though there's a commonality of experience amongst depression sufferers, everyone's specific life (both choices and events) is different, and even if you were genetically identical to someone your responses to the stimuli depression offers will be at least subtly different. And despite what I said in my original comment about Major Depression being characterized by sadness without a cause, it is possible for an experience or event to trigger a depressive episode that can turn into Major Depression.

To everyone reading the thread, feel free to comment here, even if you think what you have to say isn't relevant or might upset me. As long as you're respectful and treat me like a human being, I want to hear what you have to say on this topic, even if its negative.

[Godling]

When I hear people call me slurs and names because of my Depression, I can see that they do not acknowledge the possibility that they don't understand. They're hubristically convinced that they DO understand and proceed to judge me based on their misconception. It's difficult for me to accept these people and their limitations, especially when they are attacking me. As far as I'm concerned, there's no point where I would decend into name calling and slurs like they do. It just doesn't make sense to me to try to hurt someone simply because they exist.

This kinda surprised me honestly. In that I'm surprised people would knowingly behave this way. I guess I'm not really sure what you consider slurs or names in regard to someones depression? Are you talking about the same sort of people that blithely tell homeless people to get a job, as if all they need is a resume and some effort?

[RStriker69]

It's that kind of attitude, yes, where there's a great deal of either wild presumption or willful ignorance. The slurs that I hear directed at me are mostly the three letter F word, pussy, coward, weakling, and bizzarely I was once sincerely called the 6 letter N word (I'm caucasian). I've been called worthless, lazy, insincere, violent (labeled upon me after defending myself from an unprovoked attack in jr. high), dull, stupid, crazy, mental, sickening, mopey (a forced nickname), scary, insane, wrong (both morally and as if I were an abomination), and I've been described as being narcissistically selfish/self-centered.

Keep in mind that this is a running tally for about 15 years, and it started when I was in Jr. high school. I get called names and spoken down to far less now than I used to, though it still happens from time to time. Ignorance is powerful and pervasive. By the same token, I've noticed that more and more people around me are supportive and caring toward me, even unto their own (hopefully minor) detriment. These kind and supportive people tell me that I'm not any of those things I get called, and am in fact a great guy with a lot to offer anyone. I try to believe them, even while my internal monologue is telling me worse things and calling me darker names.

[got9lives]

I can not help you, I am pathetic to think I would/could help, Fuck I wish I could help one person out of depression, just one person. I am a 30 year old male I don't drink or smoke with little answers about my problems, but I'm not depressed about me, I'm depressed about others around me who suffer from depression nothing I say helps them, If I could shape the world it wouldn't be shaped, because I don't fucking believe in one thing or one answer. I'm stubborn and proud of it. RSTRIKER you can be whatever you want to be; a realist, Mother Theresa, a pimp, or a economy supporter by means thru a contributing GAMER AND GAME GURU. I suck at team fortress 2, but I still fucking own you all>my mentality<
I'll end this by saying I can not help you and I am fucking stubborn. so do not try wasting your time changing my mind.

[Cannonarm]

I can tell you its difficult on for me and wife, because she has had battles with depression (mostly related to OCD). We have had a couple of arguments because of my failed attempts to understand the problem and offer advice that doesn't help. Luckily her medication has really helped with depression allowing her OCD to not bother her as much.

We have also had to discuss things that I should say or NOT say depending on the situation. It sounds wierd to have templates for that, but its sometimes the only thing I have to keep the situation from getting worse. That is the most frustrating part. Basically performing triage because there might not be a whole lot I can say.

I am proud of her for the work she has done and the effort that she puts into our marriage and friendship. I'm stronger for it.

The only solace that I can offer is knowing that you can post that here, and the community for the most part will try its best to understand and offer any help you may need. And when we can't, well at least we can go around blowing people up.

Keep on trucking on because it makes me hopeful that you are able to stay as strong and positive about it as you are. I know that more people that can get through means there is more strength my wife can draw on. If nothing else seeing it from another persons perspective can only help me understand her.

[RStriker69]

We have had a couple of arguments because of my failed attempts to understand the problem and offer advice that doesn't help.

This is one of the reasons I'm slow to make new friends. Real friends, I mean, not just people you say "Hi" to and acknowledge. There's a lot of awesome people out there that for all their awesomeness, don't understand mental illness. It's a completely alien concept to someone who has been mentally fine all their life and hasn't seen signs of it in their friends or loved ones. This means that, while I would like to get to know more people and get close to them, there's a barrier to entry and I have to choose between sucking it up and dealing with the things they unknowingly say, or just avoid the pain by not developing more strong relationships than I have. I usually do the latter, because I have just enough pain to be getting on with already.

We have also had to discuss things that I should say or NOT say depending on the situation. It sounds wierd to have templates for that, but its sometimes the only thing I have to keep the situation from getting worse.

I've gone through this one with my close friend and with my mother especially, since I live with her (She's disabled and I'm her caregiver). There's certain things that I just don't want to hear, because of the pain they'll cause and the likelihood of emotional collapse in response to them is strong. These things are personal and affect me strongly enough that I would rather not put them in writings that I plan to reread. And sometimes all you can do is hang on and keep the situation from devolving. Sometimes there's just no course of action that will make things better.

I am proud of her for the work she has done and the effort that she puts into our marriage and friendship. I'm stronger for it.

I hope you tell her this. Both that you're proud of her and knowing that the effort involved with maintaining a relationship is so great for a Depressed person. Letting her know that you draw on her strength can make her feel needed, which is important for mental health. Just be sure not to go overboard and make her think she's letting you down when she just can't function normally. During those times the best you can do is be there for her if there's anything she needs. Be sure she understands that that means anything at all.

The only solace that I can offer is knowing that you can post that here, and the community for the most part will try its best to understand and offer any help you may need. And when we can't, well at least we can go around blowing people up.

It really has made me feel better to post all this here, secure in the knowledge that I'm not being judged and that maybe, just maybe, I'm helping someone else with my words. Sometimes, words have been all I've had left and I like to think I've gotten rather good at using them. Since it's something I excel at, I feel a yearning to use it to do something meaningful and helpful for the people I share the Earth with.

Games are great. When I really get into a game, I stop hurting for a while. Or at least I stop being aware that I'm hurting, which is almost as good.

I know that more people that can get through means there is more strength my wife can draw on. If nothing else seeing it from another persons perspective can only help me understand her.

That's all I ever wanted this post to do. The good feelings I get from posting it and venting I consider positive side effects that weren't entirely expected. The good feelings I get from knowing I've helped someone else is a more personal thing, one that I think benefits from a shared valuing and I do my best to cherish them.

[Etrude]

I'm not really one to admit it (being a private person and all) but I also have MDD and I've really been depressed ever since I could remember, my earliest memories being of when I was 4 or 5. It sincerely is crippling, especially since I had Social Anxiety and OCD to pair with it. When I first tried TF2 I was actually pretty freaking scared, I rented it on the Xbox and I just couldn't will myself to play it. Just returned it and then a year or so later I tried it on the PC again, but even then I wasn't able to play unless I had a friend with me who pushed me to join a server. It's honestly a bit silly but it happened, so hey. I really just find humor in it now.

The mental illness stigma is even affecting me right now. As I typed the previous sentence, I thought to myself "wow, I'm just admitting that I'm crazy. Why am I doing this?" These disorders and mental illness as a whole are really no different from a disease, in fact, some refer to depression AS a brain disease, though it's not very accurate. You could even compare having a mental illness to having a broken arm and refusing treatment, though the analogy might not make all that much sense to someone who hasn't been affected by depression, be it by proxy or themselves.

I really lacked support and honestly I refused to admit I was depressed. Some things I really urge you not to say are "you're not that depressed," "everyone feels that way sometimes," "[x] has it so much worse off than you." or "you're just being dramatic." For years I refused to admit I was depressed because I was constantly told that I wasn't 'that bad.' In my mind, I thought that the title of 'depressed' was only for a select few and that I didn't deserve to be acknowledged as so.

If you know someone depressed, please, gently, reach out. You can't force someone to get help but it really is available to most people, albeit not the best quality but it's still there. If they're in college, there are counselors free to them. If they're afraid of medication, then help them understand only a psychiatrist can really prescribe you medication and even then there are alternatives to that. If you encounter a suicidal friend, just be there for them. If you can't be there for them or you feel your help would be inadequate, please give them one of these numbers. http://www.reddit.co...otline_numbers/

@Cannonballarm Asking for a 'template' is a great idea. I used to have things that set me off and made me really upset when I wasn't in control of myself as much as I am now. I started crying pretty heavily when a boyfriend of mine said "I don't care." The reasons for it are a bit deep and complicated, but I was actually able to get over it and learn what actually was meant. In someone who is conditioned to think the world is against them, words might mean something entirely different to them. It takes awhile to really learn what a word means after so many years of thinking it was something horribly offensive or painful.

[darkarrow]

I do believe that I struggled with this throughout my life as well. I have never been to a doctor for it or anything though because my parent's answer to me being awkward and depressed and generally a rebellious kid was that I needed God in my life. Only after I moved out of my parents house did I even really start considering the possibility that I may have been depressed most of my life. It makes a lot of sense in retrospect though.

4) “But you can’t be depressed! You’re so confident/bubbly/jolly/self-assured (delete as applicable)!”

This many many many many many times over the years. Never really outwardly showed it to many people but my family. Friends would never have any idea.

I've learned the depression I have deals a lot with habits. Doing the same things over and over, even if it's something I think I enjoy doing.

This is a big part of my life as well.

[KevLar]

I just want to say ...

::GROUP HUG::

[Cannonarm]

Sometimes there's just no course of action that will make things better.

This was the hardest lesson to learn. My frustration in that I couldn't help solve the problem, i know made things worse. When I realized this, it made a huge difference. It doesn't sound nice though.

So when something happens that is beyond our control at least she doesn't have to worry about me trying to make her not depressed. I never realized the stress that can go along with that type of pressure. I offer my help but beyond that I'm not going to make her feel like she has to do/follow what i say.

But on a more positive note, we are closing on our house this tuesday. Here's to hoping it goes well.

[RStriker69]

I can not help you, I am pathetic to think I would/could help, Fuck I wish I could help one person out of depression, just one person.

Please don't do this to yourself. Thinking that you're pathetic only brings you down; It's not a constructive thought. I also wish I could help people with depression, even though it's a problem with no single answer. I like to think I'm contributing to the wellness of the afflicted with my post, but I feel like for every person helped by this, there's another 1000 who won't be helped at all, or worse won't even see it.

I'm depressed about others around me who suffer from depression

Sorry to bring you down. :: said tongue-in-cheek :: Seriously though, I know how upsetting it can be to be around the depressed. There's frustration at not being able to change it, empathic pain from the suffering of others, and a sense of nihilism that is hard to shake. Sometimes the best way to handle it is to put it out of your mind. It doesn't mean you don't care, but it protects you from the damaging contact with another psyche and prevents the person in question from feeling worse by knowing they made YOU feel worse.

If I could shape the world it wouldn't be shaped, because I don't fucking believe in one thing or one answer.

I'm not sure how this relates. Could you expound upon that thought?

RSTRIKER you can be whatever you want to be; a realist, Mother Theresa, a pimp, or a economy supporter by means thru a contributing GAMER AND GAME GURU.

I've heard this all my life. It's literally one of my first memories. The problem is there is nothing I want to be. Every career I've researched or attempted has led to the same thing, emptiness and sorrow. So I have no desire to do anything, let alone BE something.

I'll end this by saying I can not help you and I am fucking stubborn. so do not try wasting your time changing my mind.

You already helped me by making me do mental work to decipher your post. lol Don't give up helping others with Depression just because it seems like you're not helping. Sometimes just knowing someone has a desire to help you, has thought of you in more than passing, helps the Depressed mind hold itself together. It provides a sense that maybe there's something inside me worth living for after all.

[RStriker69]

I'm not really one to admit it (being a private person and all) but I also have MDD and I've really been depressed ever since I could remember, my earliest memories being of when I was 4 or 5.

I was fortunate in that my depression didn't start until I was 15, and even then it wasn't Major Depression. I don't think it moved into that category until I was somewhere between 18-20. I actually remember being happy as a child, up until about 8 years old when I started having to take on many adult responsibilities because of my mothers condition. I'm told I handled it stoically, but until I was 12-13 I really resented my situation and my mother as well. I've since moved past it and have no hard feelings toward her for what happened to her and the consequences to my own life because of it.

When I first tried TF2 I was actually pretty freaking scared, I rented it on the Xbox and I just couldn't will myself to play it.

It was about a month before I was able to use my mic on 3PG, even when directly addressed. I would just type instead, because I didn't want anyone to...? I really don't know what I expected, other than painful repercussions should I speak. I know it's silly.

As I typed the previous sentence, I thought to myself "wow, I'm just admitting that I'm crazy. Why am I doing this?"

I feel you. The phrase is usually, "You have no idea...", but I'm certain you do have some idea of how hard it was to make this post on my illness. I was so worried that I would lose the respect of my peers for revealing the broken state of my emotions. I feel responsible for my situation, like I'm the one who let it get this bad. Thus, the more I reveal about it, the more I'm revealing about my complete abdication of responsibility when it comes to my mental health. Again, silly, but that doesn't stop the feeling.

I really lacked support and honestly I refused to admit I was depressed. Some things I really urge you not to say are...

I had a pretty extensive support network, but I refused to admit to myself that I really was depressed until I was 17, and wouldn't admit my eventual brokenness until I was 25-26. My mother has always been there for me, my family less so, but my grandmother stands out to me as always being supportive even if she didn't really understand. My uncle was the one who told me to "Man up" and stop being "lazy". That really hurt me, but since that time he had an encounter with his son that I won't relate here which completely changed his position. Now he tells me he Loves me every time he sees me, gives me a hug, and tells me he's there for me.

I've said all those things to myself and worse. It seems I can't stop the litany of curses flowing out of my brain as a living torrent of feculence. When I'm in my darkest moments, all bets are off. I tell myself horrible, horrible things. If you really want to know, PM me about it.

In my mind, I thought that the title of 'depressed' was only for a select few and that I didn't deserve to be acknowledged as so.

There's a lot of things I feel I don't deserve. I've been trying for years to get "happiness" and "well-being" off that list, but I still struggle with the self-recrimination and doubt. Believe me, you qualify for treatment. Everyone who suffers does.

I started crying pretty heavily when a boyfriend of mine said "I don't care." The reasons for it are a bit deep and complicated, but I was actually able to get over it and learn what actually was meant. In someone who is conditioned to think the world is against them, words might mean something entirely different to them. It takes awhile to really learn what a word means after so many years of thinking it was something horribly offensive or painful.

That's a harsh phrase, one I try not to use even if I'm just talking about whether I want butter or jam on my toast. It's so despondent to me, and it encourages that despondence in me. Learning anything can be difficult, learning how to handle your reactions especially so. The hardest thing to do is to take action, not just react to others.

[RStriker69]

I just want to say ...

::GROUP HUG::

I know you Kev. You're my brother and I know you Love me. I know you didn't mean it negatively at all, and you meant it to be positive and enhance the feeling of acceptance to the group. In fact the only reason I'm saying anything about it at all is because someone *else* might read this thread not knowing how awesome and caring you are and think you were kind of a dick. I don't want that to happen.

The whole group hug thing...it comes off as cliche and patronizing, like I was talking about earlier (first two sentences). Again, *I* know you didn't mean it that way, and you really would be down for a group hug if we were all together in person. That's fabulous and I Love you for it. So nobody think Kev was patronizing me or any depression sufferers, okay? He wasn't. }:~)